So, what is SOC Sunday? Some of you may have seen a SOC post on other blogs. There are a few of them out there, not all of them on Sunday, but for those who don’t know, let me explain.
Stream of Consciousness is supposed to be where you just write whatever is in your heart or on your mind as it comes to you. No specific topic, at least not to start with (I usually find that my mind picks it’s on main topic while I write). It’s a mind-dump. No editing, beyond fixing typos.
So, it’s been a week. A hard one. Especially where my pain levels are concerned. For those that don’t know, I’m disabled due to an accident the hubby and I was in nearly 2 years ago. We were on a moped and were hit from behind by a truck doing 55 mph. It split my pelvis in half, broke both hips, shattered the left side of my pelvis, messed up my back, nicked my femoral artery on the right side and I nearly died. There was a scattering of broken bones as well, but my back and left hip are the worst of it now, nearly 2 years later.
The pain this week has been hard to bear. I’ve even had to use the cane a good bit this week. I hate using the cane. You have no idea how much I hate it.
I guess I should be thankful, I mean, I almost died, right? After a weekend spent in CCU fighting for my life (they couldn’t get my vitals to stabilize because of nearly bleeding to death and crashing multiple times) and a surgery that lasted most of a day trying to put me back together, they said that they didn’t think I’d walk again at all. I can walk, although not always well, but the point is that I’m alive and I can walk. I should be thankful for that.
I always feel like I’m not being grateful for the fact that I’m here and that my legs work as well as they do when I complain about hurting. It makes me feel like I’m not thankful enough for what I do have, even though I know that’s not really true.
Honestly, even though the doctors (as well as hubby and the kids) told me repeatedly that I’d probably be in pain for the rest of my life, I honestly didn’t think it would be this bad.
Of course, it’s worse than it usually is right now because of getting hurt and being stressed this week.
In other news, my ex-mother-in-law passed earlier in the week. She was Mini-Me’s last living grandmother. Most of my week has been wrapped up in trying to get her through that. It’s been hard for her.
The viewing and service were last night. I was supposed to go, but my ex-husband told Mini-Me the wrong time. By the time they called and asked where she was, it was almost over. She didn’t get to see her grandmother one last time like she needed to, and she’s been struggling because of that. They ended up sending her great-aunt to pick them up, they dropped off Squishy with us and her and The Pain went on without me. Getting ready for anything in a hurry is not my strong suit anymore.
I spent most of this week worried about Mini-Me, but also stressing because I thought I was going to have to deal with my ex and his family yesterday. The ex and I have not gotten along well in the almost 22 years since we divorced, and since Mini-Me has turned 18, I think we’ve seen and spoken to each other once.
Surprisingly, when I took Mini-Me over there the day she passed, my ex asked her why I didn’t come in. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d be welcome. He told her that I was and personally invited me to come to the funeral home for the viewing and service and said for me not to worry, that he’d see to it that no one said anything to me. Big, strong protector, huh?
Well, he was always protective of me…with everyone but himself, anyway, but that’s another post.
But, because of the time mix-up, I didn’t go. Is it just me, or does it seem somehow almost worse when you’ve stressed over something for days and then it ends up being a non-event?
Of course, my anxiety had gotten involved. The depression was expected, I mean, there was a time when I was close to my ex-mother-in-law. She was like a mom to me when I was married to my ex and I loved her, although I’m not sure she really knew that I did. I didn’t expect all the added anxiety over the idea of going to the viewing and service.
When Mini-Me lived with my ex, I even gave up some of my own time on my weekends to her when her and my ex had fallings out. Mini-Me loved her and wanted to see her and I felt like he used that against his mom sometimes. She was never that kind to me, of course, after the divorce, but that didn’t matter. I did what I felt was right in my heart.
I miss her. More than I thought I would. Funny how that happens. I’d known the woman for nearly 25 years, so I guess it’s understandable that I’d feel a loss of my own over it, although I’ve tried to hide my own pain from everyone as much as I could this week, especially Mini-Me. I cried myself to sleep alone in my bed the night after we found out she was gone.
I did spend some time with my ex-father-in-law yesterday. He brought Mini-Me and The Pain to my house after everything was done and I took them home. We sat outside and talked for nearly an hour. When my ex-sister-in-law called to see if he was coming back to her house, he told her straight up, “I was talking to Dawn a little bit”. It made me feel kind of good that he made no explanations or excuses for why. He may have later, but it meant a lot to me that he didn’t do it then, anyway.
So, that’s my SOC post for the week. Kind of a “this is what my week has been like” post, I guess.
If you decide to do a SOC post, be sure to leave me a link in the comments and I’ll come check it out!